Perfection

Sometime I feel like I can't do anything right, but then I do something nice for someone and I remember that I am a good person with good intentions and despite my shortcomings, that's the thing that really matters.

Expectations, "Shoulds", Guilt, Comparison.  These are the things that steal my joy and distract me from the blessings in my life, my family.  How do I rid myself of these shackles? These reminders of my imperfection in temporal things?  Honestly, social media has a lot to do with it.  As a stay at home mom, it can feel so nice to feel connected and relevant, but then the comparison starts creeping in.  I wonder if I'll ever conquer anxiety.

My Love Affair of Science Fair

People are usually confused about what I do.  For 3 years I taught a science fair class at AMES and despite what you are thinking, not once did we make a volcano with baking soda and vinegar.  It's a shame, I know. Many of the kids' projects were WAY OVER MY HEAD!  I just helped give them the resources they needed to take their project to the next level.  Just to give you an idea about how amazing these kids were, here are some of the projects they developed:

• The Suitability of Algae Protein Residue as an Effective Biofuel
• A Bioassay on Natural Pesticide Filtration
• The Suitability of Elaeagnus Angusifolia as a Bioindicator of Sulfur Dioxide in the Ambient Atmosphere
• A Low cost approach to parallax based three-dimensional mapping
• Detection and Analysis of Point Mutations of the Oxidative Variety in the K-ras gene 

I still don't really know what that last one was about, but hey, the judges did and he made it all the way to the International Science and Engineering Fair (ISEF), the largest science fair in the world.  I had the opportunity to attend ISEF as a teacher observer when another one of my students was selected to attend.

I think there are around 2000 projects and they were all amazing!

This was my student's project.  It was titled
"Quantifying Implicit Stereotypes through Cognition of Ambiguous Speech."
He won multiple awards on his research.  Basically, he found that people misunderstood
certain phonemes when they believed a person from a specific race was the source of audio.

I really enjoyed my job, but I am a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to these sort of things, so I had to quit.  I couldn't be an awesome (supposedly) part-time teacher and an awesome (mostly) stay-at-home mom of 3, so I had to choose one and I chose to be the stay-at-home mom of my three young kids.  

But before I quit, I (along with my co-teacher, who also quit) were asked to run the district-level fair for all the charter schools that lie within the Salt Lake Region, 7 school districts from Park City to Tooele.  So now I have a new project to put energy into.  This has been purely a volunteer thing, but hopefully it can turn into a paying gig.  The google forms we were using for the hundreds of registrations just weren't cutting it, so I made Matt program a website that would do everything from registrations to scoring.  The web program he made might now be used for all the districts in our region.  I like to brag about him, if you can't tell.

Matt also made a logo, because we can't be a legitimate organization
without a logo, right?  Also, Matt is awesome.

 The reason I have volunteered so much of my time doing this is because I have seen kids benefit so much from participating in science fair.  I've seen painfully shy kids develop confidence.  I've seen disorganized kids learn time-management.  I've seen all these kids learn, not only science, but important life skills that will help them be productive adults.  I am an advocate of project-based learning for this reason.  I would love to see schools focus more on teaching students in ways that apply to real-world situations which include projects, cross-curricular assignments, and internships.  I really would love to go back to school and work on a Doctorate on Educational Leadership & Policy and do some research on these types of methods and have some sort of impact on our state's educational system, but who knows.  For now, I'll just run a local science fair and see where it takes me.

Inspiration for today

What an inspiration! Any complaint that I've ever had in life seems silly compared to the hardships that Stephanie has and continues to endure day to day.

I love how she said that motherhood and beauty are the same thing. I think, as a woman, I always want to be beautiful. I spend time, money, and energy trying my best to fit the world's definition of beauty and I'm never really satisfied. There is always something I would change about myself if I could, but when I look into Parker's eyes and when I feel his kisses I feel more beauty than any amount of money could buy or any amount of time could produce. I spend way too much time thinking of ways to improve myself, never quite living up to my expectations, but when I tickle Parker and hear his infectious laugh I don't think of inadequacies. I think about how blessed I am. I think about love. I think that is why motherhood is synonymous with beauty. Nothing is more beautiful.

Must Read

Please read this article about Stephanie Nielson who survived a plane crash. She is so inspirational. I first learned about her by reading her blog.

She inspires me to focus on my most important role in this life, which is motherhood. I have a tendency to try to be everything to everybody. I also hate mediocrity, so I try to be the best at everything, which I've learned from experience, is impossible. The more things I try to do, the more mediocre I become at all of them. "Jack of all trades, but master of none."

When I read her blog, I don't care about anything else except for my role as a mother and a wife. When everything is said and done, it doesn't matter how many cool things I have done. When I leave this life, all I will have with my on the other side is my family. So I better do good job of taking care of my family. I love my son and husband so much. They are everything to me.

Jung-Myers-Briggs Personality Type

I love a good personality test. Who doesn't? I think all of us like to be validated.

I recently took the Jung-Myers-Briggs Test. There are 16 possible personality types based on 4 factors:

• Introverted or Extroverted (I or E)
• Sensing or iNtuitive (S or N)
• Feeling or Thinking (F or T)
• Judging or Perception (J or P)

I'm curious as to what all of you are! Please take the test and let me know:

Personality test based on Jung - Myers-Briggs typology

I'm an INTJ or "mastermind." That's right. A mastermind. So what do I want to do tonight, you ask? The same thing I do every night, Pinky -- Try to take over the world!

I was very surprised to read the description and to see how closely it resembles me. Kinda creepy. If any of you want a glimpse into my psyche, read on:

"INTJs are analytical. Like INTPs, they are most comfortable working alone and tend to be less sociable than other types. Nevertheless, INTJs are prepared to lead if no one else seems up to the task, or if they see a major weakness in the current leadership. They tend to be pragmatic, logical, and creative. They have a low tolerance for spin or rampant emotionalism. They are not generally susceptible to catchphrases and do not recognize authority based on tradition, rank, or title.

Hallmarks of the INTJ include independence of thought and a desire for efficiency. They work best when given autonomy and creative freedom. They harbor an innate desire to express themselves by conceptualizing their own intellectual designs. They have a talent for analyzing and formulating complex theories. INTJs are generally well-suited for occupations within academia, research, management, engineering, and law. They are often acutely aware of their own knowledge and abilities—as well as their limitations and what they don't know (a quality that tends to distinguish them from INTPs). INTJs thus develop a strong confidence in their ability and talents, making them natural leaders.

In forming relationships INTJs tend to seek out others with similar character traits and ideologies. Agreement on theoretical concepts is an important aspect of their relationships. By nature INTJs can be demanding in their expectations, and they approach relationships in a rational manner. As a result INTJs may not always respond to a spontaneous infatuation but wait for a mate who better fits their set criteria. They tend to be stable, reliable, and dedicated. Harmony in relationships and home life tends to be extremely important to them. They generally withhold strong emotion and do not like to waste time with what they consider irrational social rituals. This may cause non-INTJs to perceive them as distant and reserved. Nevertheless, INTJs are usually very loyal partners who are prepared to commit substantial energy and time into a relationship to make it work."

(wikipedia, entry "INTJ")

One thing about myself that has always bothered me is that I am "distant and reserved" as wikipedia states. Maybe I should just accept that this is me instead of always, painfully and unsuccessfully, trying to change it.

Some notable INTJs are Warren Buffet, Jane Austen, Caesar, Thomas Jefferson, Steven Hawking, C. S. Lewis, Plato and Issac Newton. Oh, and Arnold Schwartzenegger which I'm sure you can see the similarities :)

Matt, on the other hand is an ENTJ. We pretty much the same except Matt is extroverted and I'm introverted. His profile is so "right on" that it is scary. It mentions being good at business, which he is, having energy, which he definitely does, and a desire to create efficient systems, which is half of what Matt talks about.

So I really am interested: What are you? Do you find it accurate? Take the test!

Hasta la vista, baby!

Healthy and Happy

What more can you ask for than health and happiness?

I love listening/reading about how Utah compares in various categories. One of the more recent studies concluded that Utah is the happiest state. They interviewed 355,000 people to make this conclusion and it was based on a variety of factors life satisfaction, work quality, healthy behavior, physical health, emotional health, and basic access to necessities like food and shelter. Some contribute this Utah's low unemployment rate which is 4.6% compared to the national rate of 7.6%.

In addition to being the happiest state, Utah is also considered the 2nd healthiest state by another recent study. I know that I've heard the whole "fat mormon" stereotype, but it simply isn't true. In fact, Utah ranks 8th lowest in obesity rates and lowest in childhood obesity rates. Another important contributing factor, believe it or not, is our location by the mountains. It follows the trend that mountain states are more health than states without mountains (in general).

I can't really say that Utah is both healthy and happy because of the large percentage of LDS people living here, but I believe it is a contributing factor. The fact that the LDS church discourages smoking and drinking and encourages its members to have a healthy body makes a huge difference in the lives of many people, leaving them to live healthier, happier lives. "By their fruits, ye shall know them."

Read here for my past post on the past US census (which also, undoubtedly, contributes to the happiness of the people in this state.)

My secret to happiness...

...Is my family. I love my husband and my son. My mom and dad, brothers and sister rock too. I'm also grateful my in-laws aren't too crazy. They have been so accepting of me and loving. I love my family!!

I am the luckiest.

What's the Purpose?

I'm sure everybody asks the question at some point: "What's the purpose of life?" I ask it sometimes, too. I am LDS and I know all the Sunday School answers (get a body, have a family, show faith, live worthy), but I'm more concerned about application than anything else. I mean "get a body," check; "have a family," check; and the other concepts are so abstract.

I, like most people, try to fill my life up with good things and surround myself with good people. I get caught up in achieving good goals and work towards becoming an accomplished person. I try to keep my house clean and stay updated on Parker's scrapbook. I have even found a way to continue working part-time. But how important are these things anyway? They are all good, but are they important.

I think as members of the church, or I should say, members of the human race, we get caught up in these types of things and sometimes forget the all-important and obvious things we should be concerned about. Many LDS people can quote scriptures like there's no tomorrow, but (unfortunately) many have a hard time living the MOST important principle. Christ has taught us that the most important thing is love. Yeah, it's obvious, but it sometimes becomes a lost priority as it gets mixed up in the cares of the world.

I get so depressed when I see people being mean to each other, saying negative comments about each other, and just generally not caring about what happens to other people. We are all in this together and I can't think of a single reason to hate somebody or intentionally hurt them. Not that I'm without fault: I find myself gossiping or saying negative things, giving in to my own selfish pride. I hate that I'm not perfect in this one thing. If I could choose one thing to be perfect in, it would be love or something better than love. Charity. Christ's love.

I guess I'm getting all up on my soap box because I teach Young Women's in my ward and tonight some of the girls were talking bad about each other. I mean, come on. These are your sisters! They need your love. I realize though, that it is not just teenage girls who have this problem.

So I don't really know what I'm trying to say here. I'm just getting some thoughts out. I guess I want to say sorry to those of you who I haven't been completely there for you. I picture myself as this person who others can talk to or someone who drops off thank you letters and cookies, but I am not that person yet. I'm trying. I wish I could be that type of friend. I also want to say thank you to those of you who are that type of friend to me. I also want to say "I love you" to everyone who reads this blog. Not in a creepy sort of way, but sincerely I do. Maybe there are some random people who read this, but I doubt it. For the most part you are my friends and maybe we're not that close, but the truth is I wish we were closer and I care about you and wish the best for all of you.

I guess I'm in this place in my life where I appreciate more all the love I get, even if it is a simple smile or a phone call and I hope I can be that type of loving person too. This may sound cheesy (this whole post probably does), but I think that is the type of thing that Heavenly Father really cares about.

Keeping It Balanced

I can make a goal and work towards accomplishing it. I'm actually pretty good at it. The problem is that while I'm working on one goal I tend to forget everything else. It is hard to stay balanced. I'm sure this isn't a unique problem. With so much going on in our modern-day lives, it is a challenge to keep it balanced on a daily basis.

So right now I've been really working on my health and have been proud of what I've accomplished (see last post), but now I'm realizing all the other things I've been getting behind in. I haven't worked on photography for forever. I haven't been reading much. I haven't been playing the piano or guitar. I haven't been consistant teaching Parker sign language like I've wanted to. I won't even get started on the state of cleanliness (or the lack thereof) of my house.

I'm not really complaining, it is more of an observation. The better I'm doing in one aspect of my life, the worse I do at all the other aspects. How do you guys stay balanced? Is there some trick that I'm missing?

My Cloth Diapering Adventure

You might think I'm crazy...ok, I am crazy, but I decided to try out cloth diapers. I didn't ever think I would be interested in such a smelly alternative, but after becoming a mommy I came to the realization of how much waste diapers alone were producing. I also am slightly obsessed with saving money. So there was my motivation: save the environment and save some cash. Of course, I was only motivated up to a certain point. It had to be easy enough to manage.

If any of you are interested in cloth diapering, my advice is that it is a lot easier than you think and has a gross factor that is only slightly above changing disposable diapers. I'm not trying to convince you if you are not interested, I'm just saying that if you are interested at all, you should go for it. These aren't your grandma's cloth diapers. I'm amazed how easy they are to use.

After much research, I decided upon gdiapers. These are hybrid diapers that have a flushable insert and resuable cover and liner. The insert biodegrades in about 50 days compared to diapers biodegrading in 500 years. I, and a lot of people, use cloth (gerber prefolds) in place of the flushable insert to save money. [Huggies size 3 diapers come to be about $.20 a diaper and the gdiaper flushable is about $.40] I get by with 4 gdiapers and 18 gerber prefolds. One gdiapers cost about $17, but I purchased all of mine in 2 starter kits [$26 for 2 gdiapers and 10 flushables].


I discovered that the cloth prefolds are not absorbant enough for nighttime use. I discovered this the hard way. Poor Parker soaked completely through 2 gdiapers one night. I know that they work for many babies at night, but Parker is a heavy wetter. So I am now using Bumgenius 3.0 one-size pocket diapers. They have snaps to adjust for size so I'll be able to use them until he potty trains and they can get tiny for when I have another baby. I can "stuff" them with cloth to make them as absorbent as I need. Plus, they come in cute colors. I LOVE these diapers! They are so easy to use.



A lot of people I talked to had concerns about how well cloth diapers would perform (Kelli). The good news is that I have had LESS blowouts and absolutely NO leaks (except my nighttime experimentation). I only had two blowouts and they were both user error (I put on the diaper too tight or not straight).

Most people are concerned about touching poop. Let me assure you, I touch poop just as much as I did when I used disposables. Actually less because there are less blowouts. When I do have a very poopy diaper, I take it to the toilet and I have this nifty sprayer thingamajig that sprays the diaper clean and my fingers remain clean too. Yeah, it is fourty-five dollars, but worth every penny. I don't even bother to clean the ones with only a little poop. They just go straight into the diaper champ with the wet diapers. Every two days I do laundry. I just open my diaper champ and throw the diapers and the bag into the washer. Easy Peasy.

You can spend as much or as little on cloth diapers as you want. I found the products I was comfortable with and bought them. Here is how it adds up:

2 gdiaper starter kits: $54
1 Diaper sprayer: $45
3 Bumgenius 3.0: $53
18 Gerber prefolds: $20
2 diaper pail liners: $32
2 wet bags: $32
flannel for wipes: $10
Soft bum for Parker: Priceless
______________________
Total: $214

That may seem like a lot, but the average mommy spends $1500 on diapers over the course of 2 years. Yeah, I like the idea of saving thousands of dollars over the span of a few children. Plus babies with cloth diapers experience less diaper rashes and potty train earlier. Oh, the benefits! So far my system seems simple enough. Even Matt will change Parker's diapers. Plus I get the satisfaction of cutting the amount of waste my family produces in half. The thing I struggle with now is traveling. I just hope I can stick with it.


Did I mention how cute Parker looks in his gdiapers?

Am I Accomplishing Anything?

The other day I was telling Matt about how I feel. Sometimes I feel like I'm not accomplishing anything. I know that's not true, but that's how I feel. Raising a baby is a huge accomplishment, but it doesn't feel like it day to day. It just feels like I'm doing a lot of laundry, feeding Parker, cleaning the house, holding Parker, making dinner, and playing with Parker.

Those are all great things to do, but I don't feel like I'm progressing as a person. So I start all these projects to compensate. I started a health blog that I haven't had time to update. I work on photoshop, trying to learn the best way to edit photos. I'm writing a short book about the way Matt and I met. I'm learning "flight of the bumblebee" on the piano and writing a song about Parker on the guitar. Plus I am training for a marathon. Well, I'm trying to do all of these things, but the thing is it is hard to accomplish anything when my longest stretch of uninterrupted time is about an hour. Sometimes just taking a shower is my greatest accomplishment of the day. So I've started all these projects, but most of them aren't going anywhere.

I thought I was weird to have these feelings, but I was visiting teaching yesterday and come to find out the other two women (who are stay at home moms) feel the exact same way. I felt relieved. I'm not a weirdo! Well, at least not that weird. They spoke about their many projects and how their husbands don't understand it. I used to feel bad about not living up to my expectations, but I'm seeing it differently now.

This trying to do a million things isn't working though. So, I'm going to try to focus just on one thing at a time and maybe, just maybe, I'll finish something I'm working on. And of course, I'm raising one cute little boy which will be my greatest accomplishment. Even though I don't feel like I'm accomplishing anything by playing with him all day, I'm really teaching him about the world and about his mother's love for him.

What makes a baby smart?

That's a question that most moms want answered and tons of companies would like to tell you that their products are the answer, but the truth is more complicated than that in my opinion. I was a science teacher and am an admitted science geek, so I got my science fix researching some of this stuff. I actually learned most of this information in professional development classes (quantum learning), but wanted to apply it to babies. I thought that since I took all this time researching, I might share what I learned. Hope it's helpful.

What is smart?
First we need to define 'smart'. Most people think that intelligence is doing well at school, but that is only a teeny tiny portion of it. Studies by Howard Gardner have shown that there are actually 8 intelligences:
1. logical-mathematical (numbers, cause and effect)
2. linguistic-verbal (reading, talking)
3. spacial-visual (puzzles, drawing)
4. musical-rhythmic (instruments, clapping)
5. bodily-kinesthetic (moving, athletics, dancing)
6. interpersonal (interacting with others)
7. intrapersonal (analysing yourself)
8. naturalistic (organization, categorization)
So the real question is not "are you smart," but "how are you smart." Building an "intelligent" child should address each of these areas.

Big Brain

We have all heard that you can't grow brain cells and that is true, but studies by Dr. Marion Diamond have shown that smarter people have denser brains. This is because when you learn something a new neural connection is created. Ok, so what does that mean? Basically, your brain cell (or neurons) are connected to each other with extensions called dendrites and axon terminals. Learning creates more dendrites and axon terminals that connect one part of the brain to another. This is a huge idea! One can actually change the shape of their own brain by learning. "Neurons that fire together, wire together." So when someone is "smart" really they just have more connections between ideas. In turn, that means the more you learn, the easier it is to learn. You already know that though. Just think of a time you learned something. The way you learned it was to apply it to something you already new. If you didn't have any background knowledge, it was that much more difficult to learn. For example, it is easier to learn the guitar after you have already learned the piano.

Making Smarter Babies
How do you do it? Simple. Building more connections. Actually babies are born with an estimated 1000 trillion neural connections and by age ten this number will be reduced to approximately 500 trillion. This process is called pruning. Babies are wired to learn quickly, but if those don't use those neural connections, they lose them. That means exposing you little one to new sights, smells, textures, sounds, feelings, toys, locations, etc. is important in maintaining neural connections. Every new experience is a learning experience. This is a critical time in the babies development.

Do Baby Einstein DVDs Work?
Well, define "work"? It does stimulate the baby, but is that stimulation really teaching them anything? For example, it does not teach babies social interactions (interpersonal) because the TV is not (despite what they claim) interacting with your baby. Your baby might smile, but Baby Einstein doesn't care. In reality, when a baby smiles or coos, people will react and your baby learns from this interaction. What about the classical music? Well, music of all sorts will help your baby learn, but the so called "Mozart Effect" has been debunked as stated in this BBC article. More importantly, I personally do not recommend Baby Einstein because the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that babies don't watch TV until their two. That's not to say that they can't see a little bit, but it should be limitted. There are many reasons for this. First of all, they can learn much more with real toy/parent interactions and secondly studies have shown a link between watching TV and ADHD. The TV screen is constantly changing scenes and sounds which does not develop long term attention span. Read this TIME article for more information on the negative effects of baby einstein and TV in general.

studies have shown that Baby Einstein DVDs are
detrimental to babies' language development

Baby Sign Language
Baby sign language is a powerful tool to teach language. It reinforces words both verbally and visually which makes creating neural connections that much easier. Basically, it makes learning language for the little guys easy because they can distinguish words easier with two different cues. Also, babies are more developmentally ready to make signs with their hands earlier than they have the coordination with their tongues and mouths to speak. This means babies can communicate earlier (translation: less crying). The benefits to baby are amazing. Signing babies develop a larger vocabulary earlier, they use longer sentences, have a larger IQ (by 12 points on average), and read earlier than their counterparts.

Baby signing 'more'
the first sign to teach your baby

Real Beauty

Emotional abuse shouldn't be tolerated. Everybody knows this. But how often do we say abusive things to ourselves? Hopefully all of you are better at this than me, but I tend to say negative things about myself to myself or my husband. Among other things, I will criticize the way I look. Even if you don't say those type of things out loud, I'm sure that many of you have thought of them as you look in the mirror. Why do we do this? I put a lot of blame on the media. The way they portray women is not realistic. According to many movies or TV shows, a woman is only of value if she is "attractive." Their definition of attractiveness is, well, too specific and shallow. A women can only look a certain way and be a certain size. She must have beautiful skin, silky hair, the right size of breasts and butt. And if she doesn't, she isn't important.

I've also noticed quite the double standard when it comes to appearance in movies and TV. Why is it that there are successful male actors who are old or unattractive yet it is difficult to find their female counterparts. I've noticed that female news broadcasters are beautiful and thin, but that is not always the case with men. Just another way the media defines value in womanhood.

In reality, beauty comes in all shapes, sizes, and variety. We can look very differently and still all be beautiful. That is what God intended when He created us with such variety. Our worth is not defined by the way we measure up to movie stars.

I have decided not to say anything negative about the way I look anymore. I'm doing this for many reasons:
1) Harassing myself is a form of emotional abuse and is not healthy
2) By giving my appearance so much attention, I'm undermining the important things in life (appearance is not important when it comes to things like my eternal salvation)
3) I'm being a bad example to others around me like my little sister
4) Just because I don't look like them, I am still beautiful the way God created me
5) I would never wish others to think poorly of themselves, so why would I do it to myself

This is a small film made by Dove that represents the media's obsession with women as objects. It makes me sad to see that beautiful little girl and the horrible things she will think about herself if she doesn't grow up to look like the girls on TV. We were all that little girl and I hope we have the strength and wisdom to know what real beauty is.



If you were like me and criticize your appearance, I hope you will commit to end that emotional abuse to yourself.

99 balloons

I saw this video on Oprah and it really touched me. This is a tribute video made by a father to his son who died of a genetic condition. Yeah, it made me cry, but more importantly it made me think. I am blessed with a beautiful, healthy little boy and this video has encouraged me to appreciate every moment of his precious life. Every moment. I now value waking up in the middle of the night to feed him, changing his messy diapers, and rocking him when he is upset. All are opportunities for me to be with him and love him.



Parker is 4 weeks old today! He has grown so much...seriously. He is a little chub. I love him so much and I hope that he can feel that. Here are some pictures I've taken of him lately.

This is Parker at 2 weeks

Parker all bundled up for a walk in the stroller

Parker the Rockstar and his friend Cassidy (who is three months older than him)

Parker's first day at church

Parker and Matt at the ward Halloween party

Parker is "captain adorable"

It is All Worth It

DISCLAIMER: I write a lot, probably too much. Sorry, I just can't spare the details.

Some of you (especially my pregnant friends) might be interested in hearing how the whole thing happened. Many of you might think that is too much information. Well, whether you are interested or not, here is how Parker was brought into the world.

I had been expecting Parker to arrive any moment after I went to my 37 week appointment. My doctor, Melissa Brown, was impressed with how much progress I was making with dilation and effacement. I MADE her guess when he was going to be born. She hesitated saying, "you never know." But I insisted and she guessed he would be born a week before his due date. I changed that date, mentally, to my new due date (bad idea, unless you like to be disappointed). The truth is that you never really know. All those so-called "signs" that labor is imminent are not really signs of labor at all. They are just signs that you are going to have a baby eventually...which HOPEFULLY, you already know at that point. Dilation, effacement, losing the mucus plug, bloody show, engagement, increased braxton-hicks...all of these happened to me, yet no baby. In fact, I was having braxton-hicks contractions 10 minutes apart for weeks!

So a couple weeks pass and my due date (Sept. 26) comes on goes. I go to my doctors appointment 4 days later on Tuesday, Sept 30. My doctor strips my membranes which is supposed to help induce labor and she sets an induction date for that Thursday, Oct.2 (because my amniotic fluid is measuring low). I start to have some painful contractions that evening. They didn't hurt so much that I couldn't manage them, but they were 4-7 minutes apart and the hurt significantly more than the braxton hicks I had been feeling earlier. Matt (and my mom) insisted we go to the hospital, so around 9:00 pm or so we go...only to be met by severe disappointment. I was still dilated at just a 3. They had me stay until midnight and by then I was so tired and hungry that I didn't want to have the baby that day anymore. I just wanted to sleep. They gave me some morphine and sleep is what I did very, very well that night.

The next day, Wednesday Oct. 1, my contractions slowed down to my disappointment, but on the upside I knew I was going to have him the next day by induction. Then at 4:00 I started having another contraction (like I always had), I went to stand up because it was always more comfortable for me to walk around during my contractions. I stood up, or I should say I tried to stand up and then the pain just hit me like a brick wall and I fell back into my seat. It really, really hurt. I thought it was just a fluke, but then 5 minutes later an equally painful contraction happened. I called Matt. He was just about to leave anyway. By the time he came home it wasn't even 5:00, but I had decided that I needed to go to the hospital. The general advice they give you is that your contractions should be 5 minutes apart, lasting about a minute for at least an hour before you go in, but I had the feeling that this was progressing quickly. Actually, the only feeling I really had at this point was pain, so we went in.

When they check you in they see how dilated you are and then wait an hour to see if you have progressed. When I came in I measured a 4.5, a whole centimeter and a half more than the night before. The nurse left and I started to have even MORE painful contractions that lasted about 2 minutes each...very hard to deal with. I called the nurse in after only a half an hour because of the pain so she checked me again and I was over a 5. She told me I was progressing quickly and she called the doctor on call. The doctor on call was going to break my water and then I would get an epidural, but the nurse told her it would be too late by then and that I should get the epidural first. Interestingly enough, the hospital called me while we were at the hospital to schedule a time for the induction.

I was trying to deal with the pain, but I didn't want to deal with it anymore when I saw tears come into Matt's eyes during my contractions. At that point I wanted the epidural. The anesthesiologist came in and honestly getting the epidural was no big deal. Getting the IV hurt more than the epidural. Instant relief. He gave me a low dose and if I wanted more all I had to do is call in the nurse and she would show me how to press a button to get more pain relief. Afterward, the doctor came in and checked me and I was at a 7! The nurse looked at her and said, "I told you so." I guess she didn't believe the nurse when she said I was dilating fast. Then she broke my water.

I felt really good for a while, and then I started getting a weird sensation of pressure and a little bit of pain. I called the nurse in again and she checked me. Her eyes got really wide and she said I needed to start pushing and that the baby was very engaged. I started pushing and I really liked it at first. It felt like I was doing some intense workout, but because of the epidural I had the energy to do it. In between pushes I was getting to know the nurse and having a pretty good time...for the first hour. The second hour I started to get a little nervous. It didn't seem like I was making much progress. He wasn't fitting very well through my pelvic bones. The pain I was feeling started to increase. The nurse looked at the epidural machine and asked," Have you touched this?" I hadn't. It turned out that it was turned off, so I wasn't getting any of it. She had me press the button for more. I don't know how numb people usually are, but my feet and calves had complete feeling in them. At that point only my lower torso, hips, and upper thighs had any sort of numbness. But the pain was still minimal compared to before.

The last hour of pushing (yes, I pushed for three hours) was miserable. I was exhausted. I kept having horrible thoughts about emergency C-sections (like my mom had with me). But once the baby finally got through the smallest part of my pelvis, he came out pretty quickly. At 12:07 am Oct. 2 he was born. They plopped him on my lap and I got to hold him for a very long time while they stitched me up (which lasted an hour). I was really beat up. I couldn't see. Everything was blurry because my eyes were practically swollen shut. I had several tears, some internal, but it was all worth it.

After I was ready, they moved me into my room. The first time I went in the bathroom and caught a glimpse of me in the mirror, I just about fell over. I didn't even recognize myself. I was so swollen all over my face. I couldn't move very well and am still working on regaining my mobility.

Because of my hard delivery and tearing, when I came home I wasn't even able to walk up the stairs (I have A LOT of stairs), so I had to sleep downstairs on the couch. I still can't carry him up and down the stairs because I need the support of the wall and handrail. My peroneal nerve has been damaged because of all of the hard pushing. That means my leg is partially numb from my knee to my ankle. Hopefully it isn't permanant. Still, it was all worth it.

On the plus side, I was blessed with a healthy baby boy. The pediatrician was amazed at his weight gain. He is getting chubby already. Even though labor and delivery were only 8 hours of my life (8 uncomfortable hours), they brought me one of the greatest joys. It is definitely not something I want to do everyday, but maybe I'll manage to do a couple more times...let's not think about that now. I'll just enjoy my baby in the meantime.

One of Parker's baths

Parker's faux-hawk

Utah Rocks: Thoughts on the New US Census

I've heard a lot of people complain about how they don't like Utah. My first thought is, of course, "then live somewhere else." I don't understand these people. It seems logical to me. I do, on the other hand, understand that they might not like some things about Utah (the weather, the traffic, the huge Mormon majority), but they should give credit where credit is due and admit that Utah is pretty cool when it comes to many things.

I just read an article in the Deseret News about Utah's rankings in the new census. The first thing they mention is how Utah is number one in family size and has the lowest marriage age. They contribute this to the LDS emphasis on family and, to a smaller extent, immigrants. "No Surprise Here" is the title of the article and that is how I felt as well. I personally don't want a huge family. I was planning on 4 kids. Now that I'm nine months pregnant, I have downgraded my dream family to 3 kids. I think that one's family size is up to them. I don't care if couples decide on zero or twelve kids (as long as they take care of them!) It really is the other statistics that caught my attention.

Utah is ranked 43rd in percent of people below poverty level. That is pretty darn good, if you ask me.

Utah is ranked 45th in percent of households receiving cash public assistance. Not Bad!

Utah is ranked 10th in percent of housing units that are owner occupied. We all know that owning is, like, a kagillion times better than renting.

Utah is ranked 13th for median household income. Not the highest, but still competitive.

Utah has the LOWEST percentage of children under age 6 with all parents in the work force. This is an important factor in understanding the causation of many of these rankings.

Utah is ranked 6th in percent of people age 25 and older who completed high school. Pretty good in a state where funding education always seems to be a problem.

Utah is ranked 18th in percent of people age 25 and older who received a bachelor's degree. This really isn't that high of a ranking, but I thought it notable.

So why is Utah so awesome? I'll be the first to tell you that correlation doesn't necessarily mean causation, but it stands to reason that many of these great ranking are related to Utah's emphasis on family. As a former educator, I clearly saw the impact that involved parents had on their child's education. Kids need a support system to help them succeed. I believe that all the other ranking are, at least in part, a result of an educated population with a strong emphasis on families.

The government spends A LOT of money on welfare (among other things). I have always thought that the best way to decrease the amount of welfare is improve education. There will always be a need to help those who can not provide for themselves, but unfortunately this is not the case for FAR TOO MANY people on welfare. If only they could learn responsibility, marketable skills, work ethic...things that should be taught in the public school system.

I could go on and on and on with commentary on this or that, but I'm just going to force myself to stop here with my conclusion.

Whether or not you are LDS, you would have to be blind not to see the benefit on society of having strong families. Functional families create strong individuals. Strong individuals create an educated, self-sufficient society...that is something we should all be working towards.

Just a Stay-at-Home Mom?

When people ask me what my career plans are now that I'm going to have a baby, I am met with a variety of responses. Basically, I'm putting my professional teaching career on hold until my children are old enough to go to school. Most of the time when others hear that I'm going to be a stay-at-home mom they are supportive and glad that I am in a position that staying at home is financially possible (although it will be tight). But then there are others who feel like I'm wasting my life or not living a life because I choose to be "just a stay-at-home mom." I've been asked if I feel like I'm wasting my degree. Absolutely not! What better place to apply what I've learned at school than at my own home. That's not to say I won't miss the academic world, but I'm moving on to a different sort of school; one where I will develop many new types of skills. Those who chide me for being "just a stay at home mom" do not realize that motherhood contains within that title many other titles. Being a mother means I get to be so many things.

As a mother I get to be a Nurse. I have never been to medical school, but I'm excited to learn about the human body and how to help heal it. When my children get sick, I am the first response team. I am responsible for determining what is wrong with them. That means I must be well-studied on the subject of health and disease. That mostly means that I will become an expert at searching for symptoms and treatments on google, but nonetheless, I will become an expert on those symptoms and treatments. I am am also the ambulance driver, in a way, when I determine my children are sick enough that I need to take them to the real doctors.

I also am going to have the privilege of being our home's Interior Decorator. I pretty much am already, but since I'll be spending at lot more time inside my house, I will be much more picky on exactly how it looks. Not to mention, I have to be doing all of this on a budget. That means I'll get to be creative on how to do this: Refinishing old funiture, using my own artwork, bargain hunting, etc. I think I will have fun developing this skill.

I've taken a few courses on this subject, but I don't know if I'm fully prepared to be a Child Psychologist, but then again, I don't really have a choice. I will be fully engulfed in the life of my child and being the best mother I can be means I must try to see the world the way he sees it. I know there are many different theories on how to raise a child. Probably as many theories as there are mothers. I will get to develop my own theory based on what I know is best for my child. It will be interesting to see if I can apply any of those Pavlovian stimulus-response training methods on my children.

I've never been too interested in becoming a chef until recently. Now I find a certain ammount of satifaction in developing a new recipe. They aren't complication by any means, but I like the fact that I made it up. My mom is the ultimate chef. Mmmm. Just thinking about her food makes my mouth water. She just throws things together into a delicious concoction. Right now I focus on making food that is healthy and try to make it yummy as well. It is a work in progress, hopefully I have my mother's throw-everything-in-the-pot-and-watch-it-turn-into-something-delicious genes.

My husband is the accountant, but since I now have significantly more time than him (he is also a full-time student) I have been given the responsibility of being our family's financial planner. Maybe our family goes a little overboard (Matt IS an accountant), but we keep track of all our expenses down to buying a snack at the gas station. Matt is teaching me to use our financial software to create and manage our budget. I don't think everybody goes to the lengths we do to stay on top of our budget, but I do know that being financially aware is an important skill that every mother should have especially since they are the ones who most often do all the shopping for the family. I'm excited for Matt to teach me how to use the quickbooks software. I'm sure this skill will be beneficial in many ways.

I can't wait for my little baby to come so I can take pictures of him. That means I get to be the family photographer. What mother doesn't like to take pictures of their bundle of joy? This will be a great opportunity for me become a better photographer not to mention historian. I am in charge of making sure that every milestone in my little boy's life is documented. I'm sure it won't be too hard for me to accomplish this. I'll probably just follow him around all day with a camera around my neck.

One part of being a stay-at-home mom that I've been dreading is become the family maid, but I do admit that this is an important role that I'll have. I'm not saying that I am going to be the only one every cleaning in my home. Nope. If you make the mess, you clean it, but I will be on full-time duty. My Grandma is the ultimate home cleaner. She is a little obsessive--ok, she is a lot obsessive, but I've noticed how she takes pride in her work. That is a quality I want to emulate. I want to take pride in having a clean home. After all, word on the street is "Cleanliness is next to Godliness." I wouln't mind having some of that in my home.

One role that I'm all too familiar with is that of Teacher. As a mother, I will become the ultimate teacher. In fact, I consider that to be the primary role of a mother. I will get to teach my child how to do basic things like tie a shoe. I get to read to him nightly and be filled with joy when he can read to me. I am excited to hear all his curious questions and to answer them with just as much excitement. I will take the responsibilty to teach him right from wrong very seriously. I am so excited to take part in helping this helpless little person to grow up to be a capable, independent, and responsible adult.

I could go on forever about the different reponsibilties that I gladly accept with choosing to be a stay-at-home mom. I will get to learn so many things and if I can become an expert at just one of those things, I will consider myself a success. I was lucky enough to have a mother who showed me what motherhood is all about. She embraced the responsiblities of motherhood with dignity and as a result I am who I am today.

I'm sure you can think of a million more things that motherhood is to you and I think the list is a little different for everyone, but that doesn't make it less important.

Back to School or not

It seems like everyone is getting ready to go back to school. The newspaper is overrun by back to school sales ads. The weather is getting a little cooler (only a little). The youth in my ward are starting to complain about the end of summer. Wal-mart is filled with spiral-bound notebooks.

This is the first year I'm NOT going back to school. Obviously I went to school every year from preschool to senior year at RHS (Go Silverwolves!) and then I went straight through 4 years of College at Utah State (Go Aggies! What is an aggie anyway?) and then I got a job teaching chemistry at AMES for two years (Go Nerdy kids!).

AMES is a public charter school which means that it is free and there is open enrollment with a cap at 400 students. It is a very small school and I think that is one of its greatest strengths. AMES stands for Academy for Math, Engineering, and Science and we tried to focus on giving kids opportunities to excel in those areas although the school had a great arts, social studies, and english programs as well.

Most people have the mistaken understanding that AMES is only for smart kids. Not true. In fact during enrollment we would focus on underprivledged, minority, lower economic status, and potential first generation college students. It is true that we did grab the attention of some brilliant MIT bound students, but most of the students were not this way.

I LOVED teaching. I LOVED my students. Being in such a small school, I got to know most of my students very, very well. In fact, I still keep in touch with many of them. Many of them have added me as their friend on facebook (not the other way around). I even received emails from a couple of them this summer.

Here is an email from my student Nathan. He would always stay after class asking me girl advise:

Anyways I'm sorry I never had the time to write an e-mail. I have been very busy with Canada and all, never got on a computer. So how is your summer going? Are you excited about your baby coming soon? Will you visit with your baby sometime? Well what ever happens enjoy it! hoping to talk to ya some more soon!

Sincerely,
Nathan
(AKA) Your most awesome student! =D

Here is part of an email from another student JP. I wasn't even aware that he liked me all that much, but he wrote me a sweet email:

How are you? How are things going? It's boring not talking to you every other day. Next year is going to be way lame without you at AMES. How's the baby doing? :) I'm doing pretty well. Actually very well.

It makes me school-sick. I wish I could go back, but then again I am very excited for this new chapter of my life. In reality I get to be the ultimate teacher: mother.

I had an opportunity to go to Washington DC with 4 of my students last fall for the NCSSSMST (the world's longest acronym) conference. The National Consortium of Specialized Secondary Schools of Mathmatics, Science, and Technology. The first day I tried very hard to establish myself as the teacher of the group but soon gave up when I realized everyone else just thought I was a student. Oh, well it was more fun that way.

Can you tell which one is the teacher?

Cute kids: Daniel, Ahrash, Sarah, and Ludmila

Seriously (Predictably), So Blessed!

The Deseret News has fairly recently developed a new section of their newspaper every Thursday called "The Mormon Times." I thought this was rather presumptuous of them. Do they assume all of their readers are LDS? Well, being LDS, I decided to enjoy it.

During my traditional read-the-newspaper-while-eating-cereal morning routine, I came across an article in the Mormon Times about a blog. But this blog was more than it at first seemed. It is a satire on all "mormon mommy" blogs...blogs like this one. I can see how some people might be easily offended by her satirical posts, but she explains that it is not mean spirited, just observational.

The blog is titled "Seriously, So Blessed." She follows the predictable life of Tiffany/Amber/Megan/Nicole (she might as well add Ashley) and her marriage to Jordan/Jason/Wes/Taylor. They are a young mormon couple. She goes to hair school/teaches 2nd grade and he is in medical/dental/business school. Of course she is in the Young Womens and is pregnant. She loves scrapbooking and.....bragging endlessly about her oh, so perfect life.

Reading her blog made me want to laugh and cry at the same time. Yes, I and everyone I know is reading "Twilight" just like Tiffany/Amber/Megan/Nicole (TAMN for short). I do honest think my husband is the best in the world just like TAMN does. I determined my life is fairly predictable.

There are, however, some major differences. I, for one, taught high school NOT second grade and I am 7 months pregnant NOT 3 weeks pregnant. Obviously, we are very different.

So check it out at http://seriouslysoblessed.blogspot.com/

My New Life

It is funny how things can change so much so quickly. It seems only moments ago that I was carefree in college. Now my life is filled with responsibility much greater than I've ever known. I am a wife and will soon be a mother yet I still feel like that carefree college girl. How do I reconcile these feelings? Any attempt seems to throw me from my family responsibilities and drown me in what feels like selfish guilt. I want to do things and I know I need to be happy as well, yet it feels like whenever I have a desire to do something it compromises the goals I have for my family. Am I stuck? I feel in some ways that my home has become a prison. And I don't even have my baby yet...I dread that this feeling will only get worse. Am I sentenced to a life of laundry? Am I confined to cooking and cleaning? I always wanted to be a stay at home mom. Without second thought I quit my job and happily obliged to my new job as mommy. Yet, I guess I didn't realize how much of a sacrifice that really would be for me. I still know it is right and I don't regret my decisions one bit, I just need to find balance in this new life. I need to find time for me.

One of the things that is so difficult now is being trapped in this new body, unable to run, climb, bike, or, heck, even bend over like I used to be able to do. I'm just happy to be walking around the block and that truly is the most physical activity I've been doing lately. I feel selfish for wanting more than that.

I suppose I started having a difficult time lately not because my belly is huge, but because I've lost contact with people. As a teacher, I had more than enough social contact, but I loved it! I felt like I was making a difference, that people liked me, that I could help them. After school was over I lost those friendships and lost my sense of purpose. I was no longer that mentor and teacher but a maid. I traded in a classroom full of smiles to a sink full of dirty dishes. I do a few things that make me happy like reading and photography, but I do nothing that makes me feel, well, I guess, important. Again, I feel guilty for being so selfish. I know that being a mother is important, but right now I'm not quite a mother and...well, I'm just adjusting to this new life.

Will I ever be able to accomplish those many goals I have set for myself, those selfish desires of my heart? Like getting my Masters, climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro, running marathons, traveling the world, starting a business, and helping those less fortunate than myself? I have seen people accomplish more while still being super mom, but I'm not so sure that I am that able. My number one goal is to be the best mother and wife possible, but I wonder if it is possible to do it all. . .Or will motherhood extinguish all other goals?

Like I said, I am learning to cope with this new way of life. I suppose others might do a better job of that than me, but we all learn at our own pace. I shouldn't have such high expectations of myself. Perhaps, if I do just a little at a time I can be that super person I imagine myself being or maybe I'll accept the fact that superheroes don't exist.