It is funny how things can change so much so quickly. It seems only moments ago that I was carefree in college. Now my life is filled with responsibility much greater than I've ever known. I am a wife and will soon be a mother yet I still feel like that carefree college girl. How do I reconcile these feelings? Any attempt seems to throw me from my family responsibilities and drown me in what feels like selfish guilt. I want to do things and I know I need to be happy as well, yet it feels like whenever I have a desire to do something it compromises the goals I have for my family. Am I stuck? I feel in some ways that my home has become a prison. And I don't even have my baby yet...I dread that this feeling will only get worse. Am I sentenced to a life of laundry? Am I confined to cooking and cleaning? I always wanted to be a stay at home mom. Without second thought I quit my job and happily obliged to my new job as mommy. Yet, I guess I didn't realize how much of a sacrifice that really would be for me. I still know it is right and I don't regret my decisions one bit, I just need to find balance in this new life. I need to find time for me.
One of the things that is so difficult now is being trapped in this new body, unable to run, climb, bike, or, heck, even bend over like I used to be able to do. I'm just happy to be walking around the block and that truly is the most physical activity I've been doing lately. I feel selfish for wanting more than that.
I suppose I started having a difficult time lately not because my belly is huge, but because I've lost contact with people. As a teacher, I had more than enough social contact, but I loved it! I felt like I was making a difference, that people liked me, that I could help them. After school was over I lost those friendships and lost my sense of purpose. I was no longer that mentor and teacher but a maid. I traded in a classroom full of smiles to a sink full of dirty dishes. I do a few things that make me happy like reading and photography, but I do nothing that makes me feel, well, I guess, important. Again, I feel guilty for being so selfish. I know that being a mother is important, but right now I'm not quite a mother and...well, I'm just adjusting to this new life.
Will I ever be able to accomplish those many goals I have set for myself, those selfish desires of my heart? Like getting my Masters, climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro, running marathons, traveling the world, starting a business, and helping those less fortunate than myself? I have seen people accomplish more while still being super mom, but I'm not so sure that I am that able. My number one goal is to be the best mother and wife possible, but I wonder if it is possible to do it all. . .Or will motherhood extinguish all other goals?
Like I said, I am learning to cope with this new way of life. I suppose others might do a better job of that than me, but we all learn at our own pace. I shouldn't have such high expectations of myself. Perhaps, if I do just a little at a time I can be that super person I imagine myself being or maybe I'll accept the fact that superheroes don't exist.