Monday, July 14, 2008

My New Life

It is funny how things can change so much so quickly. It seems only moments ago that I was carefree in college. Now my life is filled with responsibility much greater than I've ever known. I am a wife and will soon be a mother yet I still feel like that carefree college girl. How do I reconcile these feelings? Any attempt seems to throw me from my family responsibilities and drown me in what feels like selfish guilt. I want to do things and I know I need to be happy as well, yet it feels like whenever I have a desire to do something it compromises the goals I have for my family. Am I stuck? I feel in some ways that my home has become a prison. And I don't even have my baby yet...I dread that this feeling will only get worse. Am I sentenced to a life of laundry? Am I confined to cooking and cleaning? I always wanted to be a stay at home mom. Without second thought I quit my job and happily obliged to my new job as mommy. Yet, I guess I didn't realize how much of a sacrifice that really would be for me. I still know it is right and I don't regret my decisions one bit, I just need to find balance in this new life. I need to find time for me.

One of the things that is so difficult now is being trapped in this new body, unable to run, climb, bike, or, heck, even bend over like I used to be able to do. I'm just happy to be walking around the block and that truly is the most physical activity I've been doing lately. I feel selfish for wanting more than that.

I suppose I started having a difficult time lately not because my belly is huge, but because I've lost contact with people. As a teacher, I had more than enough social contact, but I loved it! I felt like I was making a difference, that people liked me, that I could help them. After school was over I lost those friendships and lost my sense of purpose. I was no longer that mentor and teacher but a maid. I traded in a classroom full of smiles to a sink full of dirty dishes. I do a few things that make me happy like reading and photography, but I do nothing that makes me feel, well, I guess, important. Again, I feel guilty for being so selfish. I know that being a mother is important, but right now I'm not quite a mother and...well, I'm just adjusting to this new life.

Will I ever be able to accomplish those many goals I have set for myself, those selfish desires of my heart? Like getting my Masters, climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro, running marathons, traveling the world, starting a business, and helping those less fortunate than myself? I have seen people accomplish more while still being super mom, but I'm not so sure that I am that able. My number one goal is to be the best mother and wife possible, but I wonder if it is possible to do it all. . .Or will motherhood extinguish all other goals?

Like I said, I am learning to cope with this new way of life. I suppose others might do a better job of that than me, but we all learn at our own pace. I shouldn't have such high expectations of myself. Perhaps, if I do just a little at a time I can be that super person I imagine myself being or maybe I'll accept the fact that superheroes don't exist.

3 comments:

Roberts Family said...

One thing I realized when I became a mother was that mothers are people too. I guess that sounds wierd but i always just thought as my mom as only that. I now know that mom's need more to life than just diapers, dishes, laundry, running errands, etc... We need us time. Not only for us but for our kids too. If not we go totally insane! It is not selfish at all to feel that way. As people go we need that human interaction. My husband gets a night a week to go something on his own without us and then i get a night to do whatever on my own. It is very important. Then we help each other whenever we can. Play dates are awesome! Even just to get out and be around someone who can carry on a conversation with you. I haven't worked for three years now and sometimes i still miss the people i met from work.
Having goals and accompishing them is also important not only for your own personal growth but to show your kids how important it is to set goals and do them. The church has mentioned many times how important it is for women to seek education incase they are needed to help support or totally support their families and that husbands should support their wives in this. Take night classes and have your husband watch the kids, or if possible online courses. Whatever works for you guys. Being in shape and wanting to be active is also a great thing. It will teach your kids the importance of a healty strong clean body. All these things you feel may seem selfish but if you don't go about them selfishly then they are all really good things! You now have the opportunity to teach your own kids all these great things! What an incredible calling it is to be a mother. My sister-in-law loves to run and has run many marathons all over the state. She has four kids and her husabnd supports her and allows her to do something that makes her feel good. We all need that in our lives. Sorry, this is a long post from someone you don't really know but i saw your blog from ericas blog and thought i would check it out and just had to insert my two cents! I guess long story short don't feel selfish for wanting things for yourself. I don't have much advice for the cleaning because i think it always feels like that. Hopefully it gets better when the kids get old enought to start helping out. Good luck with everything!

Graham & Heather said...

You know I think I would have some of those same feelings. Good luck with it all!!

Jer and Jules said...

Even though you may not think you're doing anything important- you are, you're carrying a special little one, preparing it to be able to be born and live in this world. I'm sure some of your doubts about your direction in life will go away once you have your baby and you start teaching it about the gospel and how to talk and all that other exciting stuff. Life gets very monotonous for every one at some point in their lives, I've felt like I'm not making a difference or doing any good SO many times, especially not being able to start our family-made made me feel defective and useless; but you get over it and move on and you're better for it. You'll be fine, and I think you're awesome and that you have an entire lifetime ahead of you to reach your goals, give it time!